I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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