I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
