i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
