I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
