Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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