Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
