she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
