I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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