I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
