Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
