I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
