I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
