You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
