thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
