you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
