Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I lost the right to judge tonight
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
