I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
