Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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