I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
