he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
