A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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