theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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