He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
