Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
