I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
You took a bar mat shot.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
