The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
