i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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