I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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