Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
