Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
