Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
