you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
