if you like me you must not know who I am
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
