I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
