Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
