I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
