I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
All I want is dick and wine.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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