im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
