I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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