I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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