I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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