I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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