I wish my penis had an off switch
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My penis needs a shock collar
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
