I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
