Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
