The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
