he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
