I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
