I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
