My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize