So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
