Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
