I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
A bitchslap is in order.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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