I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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