alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
