Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
