Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
