Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
