I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
