$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
mondays should just be called national damage control day
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
