I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Randomize
