dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
