Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Sorry about my life...
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
