I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
