I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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