wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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