I wish I could teleport
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Pooping to opera.
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